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[February 27, 2007 @ 1:28pm] |
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What do you believe is your main motivation for prolonging your eating disorder? We all know that it's a compulsion, but what are you truly trying to achieve? I've thought about it, and I honestly believe that I'm using bulimia as a form of suicide.
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[February 27, 2007 @ 1:13pm] |
Eh, life. I know that it will get better, but right now it sucks. I want to binge sooooooooooo badly, but I know that it will just make me further hate my life. It's just a release. I'm looking down at my stomach, and I just want to puke. A few days ago, it was completely flat. Now, it bulges a bit, because I binged at a sushi buffet. It didn't even taste good. I've gotten to the point where I hate food so much, but I just want the release. At least I'm not on drugs, but I know that if I didn't have my current bf I would be. If I didn't have my bf, I would resort to jr. high mentality: Lots of sex, drugs, and alcohol. It's all just escapism. I've been trying to es cape myself since I was 13. I only care about my bf, and family. That's all. At least I don't have to work anymore. Work REALLY triggered my bulimia, because I wanted to be the "happy fun" one. I have social anxiety, and the only way to alleviate my anxiety is through carbs. , drugs or booze. So, everyday I'd get TONS of Taco Bell. All of my coworkers thought it was cute. "Ohh, she has a neverending stomach! I wish that I could eat that much!" They only joked, because I was skinny. Slowly, I put on weight though. My best friend at my workplace knew of my bulimia, and it felt weird. She knew that this just wasn't me having a huge appetite. She knew that if the taco bell employees gave me my food too late, and I was a little late for work, I'ld pretend that I was changing in the bathroom, but I'd really just be gorging. It feels weird when people know your secrets. What I wouldn't give for that release though.
Pros of being skinny:
I feel attractive
I have a sex drive
I get attention from lots of boys
People, in general, treat my nicer
People pick me up, and carry me
I can wear cute clothes
Pros of binge-eating
Even when iI was skinny, I was a complete hermit, so why shouldn't I allow myself this release?
It gives a great release
Cons of binge-eating:
I have diabetes, so I'm slowly killing myself
One binge doesn't satisfy me. I must eat all day long.
If I continue down this path, I will be fat.
It's strange. Yesterday, I was talking about how much I wanted freedom with my bf. He asked what kind of freedom. I told him that I wanted to be free from people who cared about me, so that I could abuse drugs, and alcohol until I was lying in a ditch dead. I want to regress to the times where people used me for sex, and I didn't care about them either. I so greatly want to die, but I can't hurt the people who love me. I just can't. Bulimia is the perfect suicide.
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[February 23, 2007 @ 12:26pm] |
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Well, I feel better. After purging and taking laxatives, I don't feel as huge. Tonight, I'm going to skip class, and exercise for 3 hours.
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[February 23, 2007 @ 12:00pm] |
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:( I binged, because I got really stressed out. What an idiot. Oh well, *pops some laxatives*. At this point, I don't even care that I have school tonight. Yes, the embarrassement of going in the a public bathroom isn't enough to prevent me from popping 'em. I hate this so much. I never want to see anyone again.
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[February 23, 2007 @ 11:09am] |
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Ah, I'm being so good. I haven't finished my HW, and I need to go to school. What's my immediate thought? Shovel bread in my mouth until I can barely breathe. I talked myself through it though. I thought to myspace: "Yeah, okay, after your 'carb medication' wears off, you'll still feel gross. Not to mention, you'll hate yourself, and probably won't even go to school because you'll puge. You'll get fat and disgusting. All because you couldn't handle temporary stress." So, yeah..no binge eating. I still feel like falling over and dying, or at the very least sleeping. I really hope that we don't have any group projects in school today, because I do not want to talk with anyone.
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[February 23, 2007 @ 9:35am] |
| Age: | 19 | | Height: | 5'9 | | Heighest Weight: | 155 lbs | | Lowest Weight: | 119 lbs | | Current Weight: | 125 lbs | | Goal Weight : | 118 lbs | | Fave food : | Peanut butter, chocolate chip cookies, donuts, Taco Bell. | | Fave Drink : | Diet Pepsi, Diet Pepsi Jazz | | Fave Exercise : | Weight-lifting for upper-body, bicycle machine | | Thinspo : | models and real girls | | Where do you slip up? | At night, when I'm alone. In social situations. | | When did it start? | 16 | | Why did it start? | I started bingeing, because I was depressed. The purging came
when I started gaining weight. | | Does Anyone know? | my boyfriend and best friend | | Do you want help? | No, because I don't think that they can change my mentality, and only
changing my actions will make me depressed. | | Diet pills? | 5HTP, but I mostly take it for its antidepressant qualities | | fave binge food: | Carbs. Bread is a favorite. So is peanut butter with apples. | | Fave dieting food: | Anything that tastes good isn't an option, because when I'm "dieting" I eat extremely
healthy. Probably salade, and mushroom patties. | | How many cals do you consume a day? | Binge day: Close to 11,000. Normal day: 900-1,100. | | What tips do you use to lose weight? | I drink a lot of liquids. Especially hot liquids. I'll post blogs about all of the delicious
foods that I want to eat. | | What do you see when you look in the mirror? | A big stomach, wide hips, and a puffy face. | | Are you in a relationship? | Yes :) | | If so, Do they pressure you to be thin? | No, but he pressures me to not bp. | | Are you the fat or thin one out of your friends? | I don't have many friends, but I'm the fat one. | | Are you depressed? | Yes | | Do you self harm? | Used to. | | Ever tried to commit suicide? | No. | | Ever been to a psychologist?? | Yes. I used to be on lots of medication for depression. | | | |
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[February 23, 2007 @ 9:11am] |
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At least I've stopped binge-eating. Still, I'm so focused on my ed that I don't care about anything else. Not indulging in my 6,000 calorie binges makes me feel deprived. I also feel really boring, because I'm consumed by this illness. I'm so tired right now. I wish that I could control time so that I could sleep for hours.
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[February 22, 2007 @ 12:25am] |
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<center>
my meal plan for the next month:
Breakfast:
1/2 cup of oats
1 cup of soy milk
2 drops stevia
(later I'll add egg whites, when I exercise more)
Lunch:
Small salad
mushroom patty
1/2 diet pepsi
Dinner:
1 chicken breast
veggies
1/2 diet pepsi
Later:
protein shake (only if I work out A LOT)
Before bed:
1 slice of turkey breast (so that my metabolism doesn't slow down)
Water: 8-10 glasses per day
Can have as much herbal tea, and Crystal Lite as I want.
If I am on the verge of a binge, or in an extremely stressful situation I can have more Diet Pepsi
Exercise: At least 30 min. per day
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